In a Manhattan courtroom this month, the world witnessed (and by world, I mean those who give a fig about Donald Trump) another instalment in the long running American soap opera, Trump – America’s Most Wanted.

Series 8 in our episodic melodrama has something for everyone; an aggrieved, convicted former lawyer, a smart-mouthed, pneumatically breasted adult film worker, a missing-in-action European trophy wife, men with oversized watches and undersized vocabularies, women with too much make-up and far too little brains, and a door slammed in the face of the stupidest smart man to ever walk on the planet, Donald J Trump.

It is true however, that there are far more characters in this entire indictment charade than spare ferret hair on Donald Trump’s head. It is also probably true that in the same way Voltaire claimed if God did not exist it would be necessary to invent him, it was necessary for some Americans to invent Donald Trump to further legitimise and enshrine their idiocy. Yes, if Donald Trump did not exist, America would have invented him.

Trump isn’t the cause of America’s problems, he’s the symptom. He is the embodiment of everything the world loathes about the ugly side of the USA; excessively loud, devoid of intelligent thought, unable to see the world beyond its own blinkered backyard, with far too many people who think shitting on gold covered toilets is the embodiment of class.

Trump is an ugly man from an ugly nation, caught up in an ugly vortex of his own making – and it’s only going to get uglier from here.

Before we go any further we should probably look at exactly what it is that Trump is accused of and yes, pretend we care that a man who has made a fifty year career out of exploiting the world for his own ends – and burying his ex-wife on his golf course – will finally meet some sort of come-uppance. Because in a just world, we all know Donald Trump would be dumped in a Long Island sewage canal and flushed out to sea, swiftly followed by his parasitic, Gucci-clad family, (results may vary).

But all we have at the moment is the office of the Manhattan District Attorney, an office that has been following Donald Trump’s crimes for several years. In December last year, they successfully prosecuted a conviction against the Trump Organisation on charges of orchestrating a 15-year tax fraud – Alvin Bragg, the Manhattan DA’s, biggest trial victory to date.

Trump himself was not charged in the case, but the diligent, patient hunting by Bragg has apparently so rattled Trump that he posted a (since deleted) photo of himself with a baseball bat next to an image of Mr Bragg. 

And to the current case against Trump itself, what is it about? Essentially Donald has been charged (or indicted, as they say in the US) with 34 felony* counts, the specifics of which remain unreleased, or sealed. (*A felony in the USA is simply any crime that carries a penalty of imprisonment for more than one year or the death penalty, but let’s not get too carried away about that just yet).

The statement of facts released in Donald’s indictment by the DA’s office is a thing of beauty, outlining as it does that he “violated election laws and made and caused false entries in the business records of various entities in New York.” Of course the Statute of Frauds (SOF) in this instance is much more than that, because the DA has compiled a carefully presented narrative that builds to a dramatic conclusion, important to remember when a judge is reading this in their brief before hearing legal arguments.

Essentially, dear old Donald is alleged to have rolled around in some hotel room sheets with an adult film actress, Stormy Daniels, back in 2006 when he was just a repulsive property developer with a bad tan and malignant tendencies, instead of what he is now, a repulsive ex-President with a bad tan and malignant tendencies.

In 2016, Donald organised for his then lawyer, Michael Cohen, to pay Ms Daniels USD$130,000 to keep quiet about the sex act involving something called a “toadstool penis” because Donald was running for President and wanted to present a pristine image to the United States electorate – which, given his tendency to invoke mass violence, mock the disabled and molest women, you must agree was a complete waste of his money.

Donald also asked Mr Cohen to pay off a Trump Towers doorman who had gossip about a child allegedly fathered by the Donald (you’d think he would have worked out how that happens by now) as well as another woman he claims he never had sex with, Karen McDougal, who received USD$150,000 for seemingly not knowing Donald Trump or ever meeting him.

But in the end, as vomit inducing as all of those details are, they are essentially a private matter for Donald and Wife No.3. Where they became a matter of criminality was when Donald asked his lawyer to pay the monies himself, with Donald then reimbursing Michael Cohen via a monthly retainer. Had it stayed at that, we might have just had some dodgy private contractual matters that might never have seen the light of day.

But here’s the problem: in his never-ending quest for greed and stupidity, Donald decided to claim these “legal expenses” (bribery/hush money) in his presidential campaign funds. That is, the hush money Michael Cohen paid out on Donald’s behalf was illegitimately claimed by Donald as legitimate legal expenses for his Presidential campaign, a violation of several US federal and state electoral laws – not that breaking the law has ever bothered Donald before.

And so Donald finds himself trotted into a Manhattan courthouse, with more media than supporters there to witness him, fantasising about courthouse staff in tears at his plight and rabidly posting late-night hate posts on his Truth Social platform that can’t even manage to pay its own web hosts.

"Tears were pouring down" — Trump says people working at the Manhattan jail were crying as he was processed ahead of his arraignment pic.twitter.com/44yOGwgsjB

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) April 12, 2023

What are the chances of Donald going to jail over these particular charges? Experts say, fairly slim, although the DA has hinted in the statement of facts at other unlawful activities connected to the initial charges that may come to light during the trial, activities connected to the January 6 attempted insurrection. Other experts say this is a toe-in-the-water to see if Donald Trump really does have the support across the United States that he claims he does, support that would, in his words, help invoke “World War III”.

Given Donald’s approval ratings have slowly declined across the US, it’s one thing to count him out over this latest schadenfreudenly entertaining courtroom dramedy, but it is another thing to dismiss him altogether. Trump may be a declining force, but be aware – the fertile fields of American parochialism, patriotism and poverty that made him have many more in his likeness ready to grow.