It’s the true crime story of the year, or at least that’s what you’d be forgiven for thinking had you been one of those weirdos still subscribing to one of Rupert Murdoch’s dying mastheads. For the last five days during a global pandemic and economic collapse, the papers star reporters have been working round the clock to bring breaking updates on the murder investigation that was called off five days ago after police discovered the so called dead body they had was actually just a super-realistic sex doll.

In the police’s defence, the so-called body had all the hallmarks of a grizzly and gruesome postcast hit, with the doll having been spotted in bushland on a trail off the Bruce Highway wrapped in a blanket. The area had been fenced off and dozens of police had to comb the bushland for evidence before the body could be properly investigated.

In a statement to the press the police said they will “continue investigations into the origins of the doll”. We feel for whoever has to collect the DNA evidence.