A million years ago the Prime Minister kicked off March using the Royal Commission report into aged care (ironically an industry that facilitates approximately 50 sexual assaults per week) to deflect from sexual assault allegations engulfing Parliament.

Grace Tame gave us a badly needed reminder about the basics of child sexual abuse.

Hours later Christian Porter outed himself as the Minister accused of historical rape accusations in a televised dummy spit where he “emphatically” denied charges and, in stark contrast to Ms Tame, demonstrated why men are too emotional to lead.  Knowing police won’t investigate allegations the Coalition decided the “rule of law” will be destroyed if anyone but police investigate the allegations.

Everyone wants an inquiry except the misogynists of Australia and Mr Morrison thinks it’s time we stood up for them so we’re not having an inquiry because the Coalition has declared Porter innocent of a complaint they haven’t read and what about Labor and everyone else!  STOP LOOKING AT US!

The female CEO of Porter’s defamation counsel company sent out an email about their client then “resigned” so at least someone has been held to account for something.

Craig Kelly’s senior advisor joined the list of  alleged pigs but Kelly also likes the rule of law so nothing will happen there either and the Chief of Defense told women they’ll be fine if they just stay sober, go home early and look less pretty.

The Defence Minister called Brittany Higgins a lying cow then settled a defamation case for calling Brittany Higgins a lying cow.  David Leyonhjelm still needs to pay Sarah Hanson-Young $120K for his own defamatory comments.  Meanwhile Morrion’s mate NSW Police Commission Fuller showed his criminal expertise dropping a brain-fart idea for a “consent app” that was roundly discredited in seconds.

Mid-month approximately 100,000 citizens protested for justice in 40 different locations nationally.  Ironically that day Porter, who’s too sick to work, was well enough to file defamation cases against the ABC and journalists Loiuse Milligan.  The Coalition’s former solicitor-general put up his hand to defend old Aunty and we can’t wait for that one.  To avoid conflict of interest Morrison decided Porter will remain first law officer of the land but will recuse himself from law stuff.  This works well for Porter, because who could work full time for the Government while suing a Government entity and how good are Government jobs.

Morrison celebrated #March4Justice by telling Parliament we’re a great country because our Government didn’t shoot us, unlike Myanmar, then shut down Question Time.  The next day he told us we’re horrible for egregiously misrepresenting his comment because democracy really is not being shot protesting rape.

This was followed up by some spectacular slow motion gymnastics.  Morrison refloated the idea that women can use their Super to fund costs to flee domestic violence and women responded by asking – what Super?  This thought bubble was axed the night Channel 10 told us a Liberal Party staffer masturbated on female Parliamentary Members desks and secured sex workers who come onsite to service Coalition members, among other things.  I can’t believe I am actually writing this.

Morrison addressed these issues in a heartfelt presser where he cried about being picked on, highlighted he has a vested interest because he has women too, then threatened a journalist.  Everyone wants to know how he knew what was going on in Murdoch’s house when he’s got no idea what’s happening in his own – and did Morrison make it up?  Not 24 hours after telling women he finally got it and he’s ready to enact change, he backed that up.  He no longer disbelieves women, he just believes men.  

The Coalition is now considering quotas because maybe that will make women sit down and shut up but Morrion has bigger problems because Philip Gaetjens told senate estimates he suspended the Higgins investigation weeks ago on advice from AFP, which was news to the AFP; and everyone else since Morrison dodged update requests in Question Time.  But hey, blokes don’t always get this lady stuff right the first time and that’s okay.  By the end of the week Morrison found social media and decided that’s why we’ve got no respect for women but if you get caught just force an apology. More scandal?  Empathy training.  Yet more and you can decide if you step down.  By the way, is Andrew Laming an example of the Liberal Party’s merit-driven system?

Talking about social media, Peter Dutton wants to sue all of us for defamation (sorry for the 2GB link – few news organisations picked up this gem) and did you know we have no freedom of speech laws?  I’ll bet Government employees do.

Four Corners aired a report that once again demonstrated they’re better, and cheaper, at finding crime against women than Dutton’s AFP.  Dutton’s department must have been distracted rebranding language for terrorist threats and I’m wondering if this has anything to do with the rise in “right wing” extremists.

Aged Care is getting another $452M and owners are spewing we still have restricted International travel because they’re sick of shopping in Australia.  House prices have gone up but so have company profits which means if you want a house, that’s a pity.  But it’s okay because shareowners will get a good dividend and as an added bonus the Coalition axed planned legislation penalising bosses that steal workers wages because stealing is good now? 

If you are a woman, young, self-employed or a renter, you’re on your own and if your industry doesn’t schmooze the LNP you’re not a priority either.  The RBA recognises we have a problem but Morrison thinks giving us a $1.2B holiday is the solution and Dutton backed this up by putting a minor on a plane to NZ.

The OECD picked Corman as their leader and now we have a whole new appreciation for them.  The Witness K case is getting another look but Australia doesn’t care and Morrison is wiping his brow in relief.  The ATO clawed back $135M in fraudulent JobKeeper payments and we’re all relieved Gerry Harvey and his corporate welfare mates weren’t impacted.  The JobKeeper free ride is getting axed, but don’t worry, JobSeeker’s been increased from a horrendous poverty rate to a horrific poverty rate, cause there’s nothing like poverty to inspire you to get a job that doesn’t exist.  Except Indue.

Australia is still fighting with China and Chinese Australians are bearing our racist brunt but that’s okay because we’ve reconvened Quad and it’s good to have friends when our $135B maritime program is sinking fast.

We’re paying consultants a tonne of money to tell us how we can best give money to the gas industry because privatisation is the most efficient way to manage essential services and remember we’re having a gas-led Covid economic recovery.  The agriculture industry is booming but we’re having another inquiry into the Farm Management Deposits scheme and I am not sure why because this Government doesn’t implement recommendations.  The Government continues to spuik dream jobs fruit picking and who wouldn’t want to relocate for $2 per hour and sexualised abuse and why aren’t we talking about profit gouging in the supermarket supply chain?

We paid $13M too much for water which is an improvement on last year’s overpayment of $27M for a block of land.  Meanwhile Morrison came to Melbourne because the footy’s back and I guess no-one told him the footy returned weeks ago, but it was only girls so it doesn’t matter.  It was a good place to observe rising flood waters in NSW because Morrison doesn’t hold a mop mate.  But he does like Tonka Toys and a camera so off we go for a helicopter ride over the floodplains.  With all this weather you’d think someone would check in with the Climate Change Authority but it’s been a busy month so maybe later.

ASIO outed a Liberal Party donor and friend as a Chinese spy but half of Australia likes corruption according to the latest polls.  Meanwhile maybe WA doesn’t because they held an election and almost wiped out the Liberal Party.

The Coalition still wants to screw disabled Australians by refusing to admit they are screwing disabled Australians and NSW is championing Morrison’s desire to screw overseas Australians that want to come home and it’s all Dan’s fault.

Jacqui lobbied hard to get everyone on board with a Royal Commission into veteran suicides but the Coalition still isn’t convinced and I don’t know why because kicking problems down the road is an LNP speciality.

Nicole Flint cried in Parliament because Labor is responsible for harassment but police are responsible for rape and we’re all waiting to see where she’ll work next.

The NBN paid $77.5M in bonuses because they did such a good job and this is okay because their CEO’s name is Stephen not Christine.

Hollywood loves that Australia doesn’t have Covid but the Federal Government likes Russian roulette and wants to revisit the travel bubble.  Morrison is fully vaccinated but forgot we’re still waiting…. waiting…. waiting…

Greg Hunt engaged HealthEngine to create the vaccine booking app two weeks before they needed it.  I’m no genius but that’s cutting it fine and I probably wouldn’t have picked a company in hot water for selling confidential patient data; but they need the money to pay legal bills and how good is money laun…  I mean privatisation.  Meanwhile, our Prime Minister spent 12 months lecturing the world against vaccine sovereignty but that doesn’t apply to private business and now we are sending supplies to Papua New Guinea with 8,000 doses on a slow boat.

Indiginous and Torres Strait Islander Australians are mourning four custodial deaths in the past three weeks and they’re wondering where the rest of us are and I don’t blame them. Federal Liberal MP’s rejected Senator Dodson’s call for a Truth-Telling and Treaty-Making Inquiry saying it’s the responsibility of states and territories.  Dan stepped up announcing Victoria will conduct the nations first independent inquiry into historic and ongoing injustices committed against Aborigional Victorians.  Let’s hope it’s the start of some long overdue change.

March ended with Brisbane in lockdown and the Federal Government pulling pandemic financial support even though the pandemic is not over. 

Morrison announced his third cabinet reshuffle in four months because third time’s a charm and how much does a reshuffle cost?  The printer must be happy but not so much the IT team.

We’re told we need to “come together”. So anyone that dissents is officially an arsehole and how convenient.  Morrison made it sound like women have gained enough “merit” to close the Cabinet inequality gap but in reality it’s a massive increase of one.

Minister Payne is going to be the leader of some leadership group that has women in leadership and now she’s the Prime Minister for Women and I’m confused.  Has Morrison become the Prime Minister for men?  Did we officially segregate?  Have women been outsourced? Who gets the kids?  This feels like a 1960’s BBQ where women go off to do women stuff while men get down to business.

On a positive note women are getting a task force and their specialty is reinventing the wheel; either that or they’re charged with playing eeny, meeny, miny, moe to pick one of a million reports available outlining how to facilitate change.

Linda Reynolds is not up for Defense but good enough for the NDIS. Why is Colbeck STILL responsible for Aged Care?

Morrison’s presser finished with confirmation social media remains the devil that caused this problem.  I can’t help but think the Coalition is positioning itself to shut down online dissent instead of gendered abuse.  I’m hoping crypto’s latest boom will make me millions so I can buy an island, declare myself independent and start my own matriarchal society; non-misogynistic men are welcome because #NotAllMen and Tahleya Eggers has first dibs as the Minister for No Bullshit.

Oh and parents, if you want your kid to be a NSW judge send them to Saint Ignatius’ College Riverview (the “all inclusive community” that only educates boys) then Sydney Uni and it’s a shoo-in.

And I thought a lot went down in February.

How good’s Australia!