This month started with a country collectively asking “Where’s our bloody vaccine?”
Journo’s looked at Morrison’s targets, pulled out their calculators and went “Uh oh”. David Littleproud blamed the states (presumably for agreeing to let the Federal Government oversee this rollout in the first place) which pissed off NSW so they led a collective fuck you response. Morrison thanked God news was pivoting away from that “lady” stuff; until he realised we can all count – especially when numbers are so small. And at least half the population can multi-task.
Thinking a special 7.15pm emergency presser would smooth things over, we were told the Astrazeneca vaccine has a problem, but odds are it’s not a problem and if you’re concerned about the problem talk to your GP and he’ll let you know if it’s a problem and mum doesn’t think it’s a problem cause she’s going to have the non-problem problem vaccine and it’s all good cause Brendan Murphy and ATAGI said so.
After telling us not to get health information from social media, Morrison bypassed democracy and used social media to announce he’s axed inoculation targets so he can “just get on with it”. Get on with what? Not delivering on the targets? Right. Cool.
Our fully Pfizer vaccinated Prime Minister, supported by Qantas, told us we need to reopen soon so get used to 1000 Covid cases a week. This was quickly walked back when we all went yeah, nah and explained how contagion actually works. Greg and Glad are fighting, National Cabinet’s on a war footing, we’re having mass vaccine hubs but GP’s are key and what’s going on with aged care and the disability community? There are so many conflicts and backflips I’m dizzy and bored. Wake me up when Accenture delivers on it’s $8M covid vaccine tracking contract and we have actual information about where our money is being spent. Scratch that, I can’t sleep that long!
Anthony Albanese said “This Government couldn’t run a choko vine up a back fence”;, being under the age of 80, I don’t know what a choko vine is, but I got the gist and it sounds like a generous description of Morrison’s clusterfuck.
36,000 stranded Australians, due home by Christmas, gave up asking what year and approached the United Nations for help as QLD calmly smashed the latest covid outbreak while Trump… I mean soon-to-be-gone-and-hopefully-forgotten MP George Christensen moaned about masks. France and Turkey announced more protracted lockdowns, India’s in dire straits and we’ve once again been accused of prioritising pharma profit’s over Covid crushing. I’m as shocked as a choko vine. (Am I using it right?) WA Premier Mark McGowan, backed by doctors, slammed the Federal Government for shirking their constitutionally mandated quarantine responsibilities as WA used the highly successful short sharp lockdown strategy to tackle their latest outbreak.
We’re busy spending $1 billion on new toys… I mean missiles; increasing our defense contracts to $270 billion and will this help if we go to war with China? The Auditor General’s investigating Peter Dutton’s grants but Dutton’s fully focused on his new responsibilities. He started work banning twerking and undermining the ADF Chief. 60 Minutes dropped more war crime allegations against Victoria Cross recipient Ben Roberts-Smith who (allegedly) literally buried a USB stick with classified information in his backyard in a kid’s lunch box, but he’s definitely not guilty. Dutton also cancelled Kristina Keneally’s flight to Christmas Island however she’s a smart woman and she really wanted to visit the Biloela family so she booked a commercial flight and confirmed we’ve spent $50 million (and counting) destroying this family of four, at times with the policy backing in the Senate of, ahem, Senator Keneally. Awks.
Independent Senator Patrick wants to fine non-tax-lodging child support payers and payees and I didn’t know lodging tax returns was optional. Senator Rustonn wants parents to work together so she doesn’t have to deal with this broken system and just for a surprise, once again women are disproportionately impacted.
We learned a new name – Kelly Wilkinson. Kelly represents thousands of women and children ignored by our justice system and we can’t personally acknowledge her because she’s dead but I suppose we should be happy we’ve got a survey, we’re having a “ladies” summit and judges and politicians won’t be excluded from sexual harassment laws some time in the future.
Brittany Higgins got a book deal, NSW police blocked attempts for Porter’s accuser to be formally interviewed, Lamming’s upskirting antics weren’t criminal because the victim was wearing shorts or something, and the World Economic Forum confirmed what we already know: women carried the burden of Covid. Australian women ranked 1 for education, 70 for economic participation, 54 for political empowerment, 99 for health and survival and 50 all round. It’s almost as if there is something fundamentally wrong here. The Prime Minister’s office denied Morrison was shocked to discover the gender pay gap and we all know he’s for women doing well; as long as it’s not at the expense of “others”.
The Coalition launched a new consent education program called The Good Society. I understood consent until I watched a bizarre Happy Days meets Sesame Street vibe video where a PG rated femme fatal character, wearing a 1960’s whore red “feminist” pantsuit, plys her charms on a disturbingly pastel clad confused young man; she’s clearly intent on destroying his life using a… milkshake? Now I’m confused and so are Australian kids. This opinion was bipartisanly shared worldwide. Some poor nobody had to publicly say oops and two videos were pulled but other woeful content remains. This is worse than the “Unmute Yourself” campaign. ABC is trying to confirm it cost 758 cartier watches and we’re frantically checking wrists to find the culprit.
But this lady stuff is important and on the last of the month Morrison did manage to squeeze in his 26th March commitment to meet Ms Higgins; but priorities people. First, he needed to help WA with their cyclone clean-up, pop into the footy for a special welcome, offend Jimmy Barnes and fight the New Liberal Party. Morrison also found time to guest speak at the Gold Coast’s Pentacostal Conference where he told attendees he’s been “called to do God’s work”, that “what Australia needs is the church” and admitted “I’ve been in evacuation centres where people thought I was just giving someone a hug and I was praying, and putting my hands on people … laying hands on them and praying in various situations” and no amount of consent education is going to work here.
Folks, we PAY FOR THIS!
Former US Director of National Intelligence joined Mal and Kev to warn us about our real leader, Murdoch, but we’re easily distracted because Prince Philip died. So did Andrew Peacock. And Carla Zampatti.
Holgate testified at Senate Estimates dropping explosive bombs about the extraordinarily questionable behaviour of a Liberal stacked Board and Government interference; it makes $20K in watches look down right darling – reporters skipped this part and focused on bullying. Morrison’s not sorry and this whole sorry saga has nothing to do with gender; it’s about waste okay. Unlike profitable Australia Post, the poorly performing NBN deserves their $77M in bonuses. Minister Roberts is wondering why Holgate didn’t just wait it out and it’s safe to assume Australia Post is on the privatisation hit list so who cares if they discontinued delivery for perishables. Or did they?
Parliamentary staff have been underpaid and it’s lucky the Coalition axed planned legislation penalising bosses that steal workers wages just last month. Minister Reynolds has given Disability advocates a reprieve before she continues screwing them with the NDIS. It’s so bad Carl had to quit his job.
In the USA Derek Chauvin was found guilty of George Floyd’s murder as we had our seventh Indiginous death in custody since the beginning of March. First Nations people still can’t get anyone to care and a new NSW Indigenous Incarceration Report reminds us WE HOLD 10 YEARS OLD CRIMINALLY RESPONSIBLE for their actions and why haven’t we implemented recommendations from the 30 year old Royal Commission into Aboriginal Deaths in Custody and what’s the status on recommendations from the 3 year old RC into Protection and Detention of Children in NT?
Talking about RC’s, after years resisting, Morrison announced one for veteran suicides and I sincerely hope main advocate Julie-Ann Finney can force the Coalition to implement all recommendations quickly. Unlike our stagnant two year old Banking RC or the Coalition’s response to the Aged Care RC interim report called Neglect. We’ve officially known since October 2020 that 50 elders are sexually assaulted weekly and we received the RC Aged Care outcome two months ago but Morrison won’t announce changes until budget time so José walked in on his wife being sexually assaulted.
We heard Present Biden was having a climate summit so Morrison, previously promising NSW $960M in gas cash, announced a $539M hydrogen and carbon capture project and promised SA $600M to increase gas usage.
We spend $19K a minute or $10.3B annually subsidising the fossil fuel industry and we’re budgeting $2B to fight climate change. Morrison told us we’re solving this problem with “technology not taxes” and I’ve got questions? Where’s the money coming from if not taxes? Can’t we find a solution that doesn’t involve digging? There’s concerns our efforts are insufficient, APRA is worried and Mal and Kev are not impressed but Angus Taylor thinks anti-gassers are anti-Australian and the car industry can’t sell badly wanted EV’s because the market’s got to work this climate stuff out, not cafes, dinner parties and wine bars; how very Reagan of us.
We honoured ANZAC day but our ANZAC spirit is in question as we withdraw from Afghanistan while leaving those that helped behind. Home Affairs gave an inflammatory ”drums of war speech” that starts with sleeves and the Department of Health expanded telehealth until the end of the year and I don’t know why would we roll back a service Covid dragged into the current century.
The Victorian Government announced plans for a mRNA vaccine production facility then the Coalition used it’s new powers to tear up four international State contracts and I want to know who’s going to investigate Federal Government contracts like the Darwin Port Lease. Vic also announced a purpose built quarantine hub, but according to Dutton that’s “political smokes and mirrors”.
Morrison’s against a pay increase because, Covid, and if you’re not depressed enough, apparently he’s still doing well in the polls and here’s a review on a book called “How good is Scott Morrison?” that will make you ask why.
I don’t know how the Coalition did it but they topped March! Milkshake anyone?
The Chaser Quarterly
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